EAT MY PRESS

Give this a whirl, conservative friends.

I have to say, it brings us immense pleasure (in the justice sort of way) that the bipartisan legislative panel investigating Sarah Palin and her involvement with ‘Trooper Gate’ have found that she in fact did unlawfully abuse her authority by firing the state’s public safety commissioner. The Associated Press has just released this breaking news. So please read the entire findings. Here’s a crucial snippet:

“Governor Palin knowingly permitted a situation to continue where impermissible pressure was placed on several subordinates in order to advance a personal agenda, to wit: To get Trooper Michael Wooten fired,” said the report, which was issued in Anchorage.”

We’d also like to add one important caveat. To that rowdy bunch, you know who you are, who have been shouting “terrorist” and “kill him” at the increasingly dirty and downright unrighteous McCain-Palin rallies the country over in their reference to Barack Obama: Barack is not the Son of God, nor does he claim to be. However, he’s actually professed himself to be a serious Christian multiple times. When has Senator McCain ever once offered or had to defend any spirituality at all?

So, rowdy crowd, unless you relish posturing yourself as Pilate, do us all a favor and own up to your personal involvement in what is corrupt.

We unofficially told ourselves here at EMP that we would no longer write about Sarah Palin for the simple fact that she’s not worth killing off innocent brain cells in order to figure out why people seem to like a woman who less than 4 years ago thought about making a go of her life as a local, small town television anchor. But after reviewing the trajectory of polls over the last few weeks, we simply have to go against our No Palin Policy and resurrect discussion of a woman who could very possibly become the next president of our country. And I want readers to really ponder that idea for a second. After all, John McCain has had cancer 4 times and is 72 years old.

Our reason today for writing about Palin is that after reviewing the polls since September 1st, we were able to pinpoint exactly when Obama’s 5 point lead shifted to its present convergence with John McCain. There was a hint of downward movement on September 3rd when McCain announced he would release an ad claiming that Sarah Palin was more qualified that Barack Obama. But the real point of transition came on September 4th. So we were like, huh. What happened on September 4th? And DEAR LORD ON HIGH, it was the day that Sarah Palin gave her speech at the Republican National Convention. Somehow her introduction to America cost Barack Obama 5% points in the polls, bringing him down to 44%, his lowest position, by September 7th. By the way, I have a question: who are swing voters? Are you guys the same people who like put your keys in a basket at a party and then go home with someone else’s spouse? Because I’m at a total loss here.

Fortunately, Obama is now back up to 46% tied with John McCain, but we’re more concerned with what the Palin factor says about America. How is it that people think she’s qualified to run the United States of America? And what do conservative “Christian” people like about her? That she keeps lying about turning Congress down for The Bridge to Nowhere even though it’s been proven that she approved it and that the project is currently underway? Do you like her because of Troopergate? Because she thinks that the war in Iraq is God’s war of revenge on the 911 attackers even though the hijackers had no connection at all with Iraq? Because she keeps lying and belittling her opponent’s devotion to community service? Or is it because she touts the fact that she didn’t murder her baby? Do you honestly like her because she didn’t kill something? Really? Obama didn’t either. I swear.

Or do you like her because what she lacks for in experience she more than makes up for in bullish fervor (if you’re not for me you’re against me) and utter willingness to make hard-nosed rash decisions based on her close-minded world view and … gut? Because this is sounding all too familiar and look where it got us?

We must be very, very out of touch with America.

Yesterday, Barack Obama delivered a speech entitled, “A New Vision for a 21st Century Education” to an audience in Ohio. In it he highlighted our need to prepare America’s children to be able to compete in the growing global economy by breaking with tradition and forging new paths in educational reform, accountability, and a more selective strategy for the recruitment of top educators. Here’s a snippet:

“We need a new vision for a 21st century education – one where we aren’t just supporting existing schools, but spurring innovation; where we’re not just investing more money, but demanding more reform; where parents take responsibility for their children’s success; where our schools and government are accountable for results; where we’re recruiting, retaining, and rewarding an army of new teachers, and students are excited to learn because they’re attending schools of the future; and where we expect all our children not only to graduate high school, but to graduate college and get a good paying job.

It’s time to ask ourselves why other countries are outperforming us in education. Because it’s not that their kids are smarter than ours – it’s that they’re being smarter about how to educate their kids. They’re spending less time teaching things that don’t matter and more time teaching things that do. Their students are spending more time in school, and they’re setting higher expectations.

That’s what we need to be doing – because America isn’t a country that accepts second place.”

Obama also said that John McCain has not done much for the education system and his only loose idea so far is to “fix” No Child Left Behind, thus following in George W. Bush’s footsteps. Apparently Obama’s words bothered McCain so much that he released this television ad in key states today. Here’s the text of the political commercial approved by a man who is actually running for President of the United States:

Education Week says Obama “hasn’t made a significant mark on education”.

That he’s “elusive” on accountability.

A “staunch defender of the existing public school monopoly”.

Obama’s one accomplishment?

Legislation to teach “comprehensive sex education” to kindergartners.

Learning about sex before learning to read?

Barack Obama.

Wrong on education. Wrong for your family.

Has it really come to this? Did John McCain seriously attack Barack Obama’s support of age-appropriate sex education which teaches children how to protect themselves from pedophiles by insinuating on national television that Barack Obama wants America’s kids to learn about sex before learning how to read? Words cannot convey how completely unprofessional, utterly shameless, and frankly disgusting such an attack is. Obama’s campaign spokesman, Bill Burton, summed it up best:

“It is shameful and downright perverse for the McCain campaign to use a bill that was written to protect young children from sexual predators as a recycled and discredited political attack against a father of two young girls - a position that his friend Mitt Romney also holds. Last week, John McCain told Time magazine he couldn’t define what honor was. Now we know why.

For those of you actually interested in Senator Barack Obama’s new vision for 21st century education, please click here.

On Monday, Gustav said hola without a lot of attitude, thankfully, and spared New Orleans the disaster that everyone was forecasting. Adios, tonta!

But that attitude soon reared its head on Tuesday when John McCain picked Karl Rove in drag Sarah Palin as communications intern … i mean running mate.

And, well, on Wednesday in her introduction to the US, she sure tried her hardest to tell Barack Obama where to stick it (with a smile on). Too bad her speech had no real content whatsoever besides one-liner lies. And a ton of lipstick. Methinks ugly words coming out of pretty mouth are still ugly. Then she touted how her own experience far exceeds Obama’s career in the working class trenches. But honestly, Sarah. Let’s face it. Being mayor of Wasilla, Alaska is like being a room mother with a blackberry. Wednesday also brought us Rudy 9iu11ani who somehow, I’m still out to lunch on this one, got ordinary American citizens to chant “DRILL BABY DRILL!” in what was reminiscent of, yet even eerier than, There Will Be Blood. Can you say DRAINAGE? Also on Wednesday, Mitt Romney said something totally erroneous and then said the exact opposite of said erroneous statement in the very next sentence but no one cared enough about him to report it.

On Thursday, John McCain took the stage at the RNC. A blacked out stage. A dramatic stage. Then a spotlight shone on what could have been any republican over the past 30 years, minus Reagan. But I have to say, after that video introduction, one half-expected him to arrive via helicopter with the Viet Cong. We really appreciate your service John and know you love some version of America, but being a POW has no direct correlation to being the President of the United States. Ok? It’s sort of a non-starter. Let’s just focus on the issues.

A lot of people have been asking us what we thought of John McCain’s speech. So here goes. It was kind of like he was stealing the ‘change’ idea from Obama and then trying t-sdaa;;k;kz; ;kzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry. I fell asleep thinking about it.

On Friday, it’s discovered that Cindy McCain’s Monday night outfit at the RNC cost $300,000. So it’s pretty safe to say that the ‘Obama is an elitist’ or ‘Obama is uppity’ argument drowned in a golden sea of Oscar de la Renta. It’s also safe to say that they are not your average American people just trying to make it in the world. Which leaves us to believe that the only real reason that the GOP is calling Obama these things is because he’s … wait for it … smart.

Happy weekend.

Last night at the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin took the stage and introduced herself to the country. She began by throwing her support around John McCain like she’d known him for 20 years, even though they’d only briefly met once before last week. Nevertheless, she praised his military and political service all the while dropping in anecdotes from her own family. She spoke of the war in Iraq, then mentioned her 18 year old son who will be deployed their next week. She spoke about America’s need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil (although never giving one alternative or the possibility of this being real), and then introduced her husband who has worked for oil companies.

Which reminds me, I have to interject here and mention that insane-oil-comment-of-the-night hands down goes to Rudy Giuliani. At one point during his factless speech, he somehow got the entire crowd of people chanting “DRILL BABY DRILL!” And by people, I mean American citizens. Two words: Dear God.

Anyway. Sarah Palin soon fell into the point of her speech though which was: direct, sarcastic, anti-Obama sound-bytes claiming he was too inexperienced to be president of the United States. What follows below are the direct attacks on Obama that Palin made in her speech last night, verbatim. And I think you’ll agree that all of them point to one fact: the republican party is not at all concerned with the facts of the Obama-Biden ticket and are more than willing to settle for half-truths, stretches of the truth, and sheer propaganda to once again brainwash the American people into supporting them. See for yourself. The evening was literally like a middle-school pep rally full of cognitive dissonance. Very reminiscent of Bush-Cheney and maybe even a little more vitriolic.

Excerpts from Sarah Palin’s RNC speech:

I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a “community organizer,” except that you have actual responsibilities. I might add that in small towns, we don’t quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they are listening, and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren’t listening.

We tend to prefer candidates who don’t talk about us one way in Scranton and another way in San Francisco.

We’ve all heard his dramatic speeches before devoted followers.

And there is much to like and admire about our opponent.

But listening to him speak, it’s easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform - not even in the state senate.

This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting, and never use the word “victory” except when he’s talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed … when the roar of the crowd fades away … when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot - what exactly is our opponent’s plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he’s done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger … take more of your money … give you more orders from Washington … and to reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world. America needs more energy … our opponent is against producing it.

Victory in Iraq is finally in sight … he wants to forfeit.

Terrorist states are seeking new-clear weapons without delay … he wants to meet them without preconditions.

Al Qaeda terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America … he’s worried that someone won’t read them their rights? Government is too big … he wants to grow it.

Congress spends too much … he promises more.

Taxes are too high … he wants to raise them. His tax increases are the fine print in his economic plan, and let me be specific.

The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes … raise payroll taxes … raise investment income taxes … raise the death tax … raise business taxes … and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars. My sister Heather and her husband have just built a service station that’s now opened for business - like millions of others who run small businesses.

How are they going to be any better off if taxes go up? Or maybe you’re trying to keep your job at a plant in Michigan or Ohio … or create jobs with clean coal from Pennsylvania or West Virginia … or keep a small farm in the family right here in Minnesota.

How are you going to be better off if our opponent adds a massive tax burden to the American economy? Here’s how I look at the choice Americans face in this election.

Stop the brainwash. Vote Obama.

These are tricky times, my friends, tricky. On one hand, liberal media should do the responsible thing and place Sarah Palin under a microscope carefully examining her service to the United States, her life, and her international and domestic political experience, especially since she is such an unknown. On the other hand though, the liberal media is creating excellent fodder for the McCain camp by choosing to fixate more on Palin’s 17 year old pregnant, unwed daughter, and her professional experience towering out as hockey mom and PTA leader. And even though it’s totally appropriate to characterize Palin as those last two things, since she refers to herself in those terms, the liberal media needs to be very, very careful as it wages the “inexperience war” with Palin because it may in fact just be shooting Barack Obama in the foot. And if Ms. Palin is half as charismatic of a speaker and one-quarter as average and down to earth as I’ve heard she is, then the liberal media also runs the chance that its bashing will turn her into a junior right wing celebrity. Think about it. Plus, let’s not forget what Cindy McCain reminded us when asked about Palin’s riveting national security experience: Alaska is pretty close to Russia.

Moving on. I think it’s also somewhat clear now, after reading that Palin was only vetted as McCain’s VP nominee one day before she took the job which is one day after Hillary Clinton’s monumentally historic speech at the DNC last week, that McCain was waiting to select his running mate after he heard what Hillary had to say. And once she nailed last Tuesday like no speech I’ve heard in recent political history, McCain deemed it perfect timing to pick a female partner in hopes of gobbling up as many of those 18 million pieces that Ms. Clinton worked so hard to knock off that ceiling. This brings a whole new meaning to ’sloppy seconds,’ folks. It was smart, but assuming that the remaining undecided ‘Hillraisers’ (or all women for that matter) will vote for John McCain simply because his running mate is a woman is unbelievably insulting, and yet again … hold onto your hat … sexist! I mean if anyone could chose a female running mate as a move in a sexist strategy, it’s the republican party. Applause all around for that feat.

Governor Sarah Palin speaks tonight at the RNC. So stay tuned for … Alaska knock-knock jokes? Iditarod references? I really have no idea. At the very least, it’s something she can add to her resume, you know, to fill it out a little more.

John McCain has finally chosen his running mate. And in a selection which has stunned both republican and democratic parties alike, Sarah Palin (pronounced with a long ‘A’) is his choice. Since we haven’t really heard of her, EAT MY PRESS decided to investigate. What follows are the pros and cons of said selection:

Sarah Palin as possible Vice President of the United States, pros (As republicans see it):

1. Is a working mother of five children: Gender Equality, check!
2. Oldest son is set to be deployed to Iraq in September: Military Service, check!
3. Youngest son, born in April, has down syndrome which she was made aware of through genetic testing very early on: Pro-Life, check! (And applause from EMP, by the way).
4. Is an avid hunter and member of the National Rifle Association: Pro-Gun, check!

Sarah Palin as possible Vice President of the United States, cons (as EMP sees it):

1. Approves off-shore drilling for oil in Alaska: Anti-Alternative Energy Seeker, check!
2. Says global warming is not caused by anything that humans do: Anti-Global Warming, check!
3. Is a … governor … of only 2 years … of Alaska: Total Inexperience, check!!
4. Has only briefly met John McCain on one occasion: A Right-Wing Ploy, check!
5. Has 5 kids whose names (Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig) rival, and perhaps trump in awfulness “He-Who-We-Do-Not-Speak-Of”: BNCRR (Bad Naming Condition of Rich Republicans), check!
6. Recently was quoted as saying: “VP? What’s that job look like on a daily basis?”: Totally Out of Touch, check!
7. Was psychotically behind “Pat Buchanan For President” in 1996: No comment, check!
8. Was back to work three days after the birth of her 5th child: Something Odd To Prove, check!

Really, this list could go on and on. But as our surprise and shock here mulch into a delicious stew of ‘chilled republican party demise’, we’re content watching the weather channel and hoping that if in fact New Orleans is battered again by the new storm that’s brewing (God forbid), that the Republican party has the forsight and decency to cancel its convention and not once again leave massive amounts of US citizens utterly stranded.

It is ironic timing though, no?

SInce it was so historic in a number of ways and so completely riveting, I’ll let Barack’s speech speak for itself. He finally delivered on all fronts. Extraordinarily well done.

EAT MY PRESS endorses Barack Obama for President of the United States.

Onwards!

I really like Joe Biden. He’s exactly the kind of well-seasoned politician, (having started his political career when he was only 29 years old), and foreign policy expert that Barack Obama needs to deepen himself as he runs for president of the United States. He’s an excellent speaker, and also the kind of guy you could have a few beers with and talk about the crisis in Georgia or the tourist boom in a post-genocide Rwanda as well as rip some republican a new one in only the way that Joe Biden knows how to. So it was no real surprise when Bill Clinton raved about him in his own speech, saying they were very close friends. I mean, can’t you imagine the two of them kicking it old school on a day off in DC, at a bar, at lunch, Joe heckling an imaginary John McCain, Bill heckling an imaginary … Obama into entirely new zip codes? They’d shred them six ways to Sunday … intelligently, of course.

To be serious though, Joe Biden nailed his speech and was the perfect candidate to go after John McCain and make known to the very large public that was watching that Mr. McCain voted in line with George W. Bush 95% of the time. Now, for those of you who don’t find that number particularly compelling or meaningful or staggering or mind blowingly mind blowing, that’s 5 percentage points short of ALL THE TIME. You can view his speech here. He does not mince words.

Regarding Bill Clinton’s speech last night … eh. He said what he needed to, not that thrillingly and you know what, that’s ok. His wife is Hillary Clinton.

Tonight however, Barack Obama will finally deliver his keynote address. Stay tuned.